I’m happy to report that grandpa kicked up my swinging bachelor pad a couple notches by having the cable turned off today.  As if my life isn’t depressing enough, I come home ready to kick back with some Sportcenter, and all I have are the Network stations.  As insult to injury, the television also picks up “The Faith Channel,” with 24/7 evangelism.  That’s just a kick in the sack.  Let’s just say the last thing I’m tuning in after an internet wack session is “Billy Graham Crusade.”  With no cable to keep me occupied, let’s fire up the second half of The Goonies on pappy’s Betamax, shall we?

When I saw the “Director and Cast Commentary” included in the new release, I was embarrassingly really excited.  Embarrassing because I actually said aloud in Blockbuster “Holy shit, cast commentary for the Goonies? Awesome!”  But I didn’t say it to anyone particular, which made families clutch their children closely as I walked to the checkout line.  Unfortunately, grandpap has the original DVD player, meaning one has to use the remote to select special features.  And the remote was out of batteries, of course.  Like I was really going to go to Wal-Mart at 2 a.m. to get batteries just to hear Corey Feldman talk about how cool it was to be a Goonie?  You’re goddamn right I was.  This is Corey Feldman we’re talking about here!

Before the movie, the actors are gathered in the sound studio to introduce themselves.  Let me be crystal clear about this.  Kerri Green, the actress that played Andy, is the hottest girl I have ever seen.  The DVD is worth a rental just to see how hot she is 20 years later.  Let’s just say with the benefit of the now-functional pause button, I won’t be needing that internet session tonight.  We’ll now pick up where we left off, with the Goonies just having entered the basement of the restaurant.

Data stumbles upon the Fratelli’s counterfeit machine.  Their town is about to be bulldozed to make room for a golfcourse, but the Goonies strong moral compass precludes them from using bogus money to stall the foreclosure.  Honorable, truly.  Although, had there been no mystical pirate ship full of hidden treasure, I’m betting the real crime would’ve been not using fake money to prevent hundreds of families from going homeless.  Then again, I’m the same guy that rationalized taking a homeless man’s shoes because I thought it would give him more motivation to get a job. 

Corey Feldman commentary, “I’m working on a new movie with a lot of fake smoke, and I immediately flashed back to The Goonies.”  I don’t know what’s more unbelievable: that any flashbacks Feldman has are related to a kid’s movie, or that he’s working on a new movie.  If he’s actually got a new project, I’m sure we can all see it on Cinemax III in about two weeks.

Chunk gets coralled by the Fratellis and is in danger of getting his hand blended unless he flips the rest of the Goonies.  Chunk cops to everything, including pushing his sister down the stairs and blaming it on the dog.  The actor playing Chunk commentates that Speilberg helped him work up real tears for the scene by invoking the memory of Chunk’s dead mother.  So, that scene is permanently ruined for me.  Could’ve done without that bit of movie trivia. 

Meanwhile, our intrepid adventurers find a corpse they suspect may be none other than Chester Copperpot.  Their suspicions are confirmed when Mikey finds his I.D. and a baseball card of Lou Gherig.  The leave the Gerig card behind, although they could’ve paid the mortgage on the Goondocks with this card alone.  Leave behind free money machine? Check.  Recklessly abandon priceless baseball memorabilia?  Check.  I mean, what’s next? I half expect them to find real money but decide based on flawed integrity they shouldn’t take that sweet payday, either.  And I expect that because it happens in about three scenes.

Now our Goonies have discovered the Old Wishing Well.  Everything seems great until wet-blanket Andy drops the “These are peoples’ wishes and dreams, you can’t take this money!”  In the deleted scenes, Brand tells Andy that maybe the people who made those wishes would consider it a dream come true if their town wasn’t razed for the building of a Country Club and golf course, then he punches her in the ovary.  I made that last part up. 

In seriousness, it can’t be denied that Feldman has been in some good movies, like Goonies, The Lost Boys, The Burbs, and License to Drive.  Well, maybe the last one is just a personal favorite.  Anyway, Feldman’s wishing well scene is a genuinely good peformance.  When he says, “Well you see this one….This is my wish, my dream.  And it didn’t come true.  So I’m taking it back…..I’m taking ’em all back,”  that’s just good stuff.  I’m proud of you, Corey.  No matter how many straight-to-video movies you make, no matter how many people ask you if Michael Jackson fondled your sack, no one can ever take The Wishing Well Scene away from you. 

Troy is at the Wishing Well!  Sweet serendipity! Then he reels the bucket up, unaware that although it is completely effortless, Andy is not on the other end of the rope and has merely sent back his jacket.  Great unintentional comedy as Troy’s friends back away from him when he is visibly angered by this slight.  Take that, Troy! Receive your comeuppance!

Data is saved from certain death by “The Pinchers of Hell.”  This is a lovely little contraption that shoots out from his sleeve and grasps a ledge inches before certain death at the end of a 100 foot drop onto huge spikes.  Foolish One-Eyed Willie. You’re gonna have do better than that if you want to send a wily pre-teen Asian to a grisly demise. 

The last obstacle before the pirate ship is the scary bone organ.  Look, I know Willie didn’t want anyone to get at his treasure, but a skeleton organ?  How much time did he have?  He rigged the boulders that killed Copperpot, the pit that almost got Data, and decided that his piece de resistance was going to be a bone organ that would destroy any human who was foolhardy enough to approach it.  Unless, of course, said human had ever taken a single piano lesson.  That would render a deadly Skeleton Organ death trap practically useless.  Some input on this last trap would’ve been beneficial to Willie, but he killed off all his pirate friends to keep word getting out about the treasure.  Talk about your all-time backfires. 

How awesome is the entirety of the pirate ship scene?  It starts with the waterslide that every kid dreams about, and ends in a pirate ship full of gold and jewels.  Just when you thought the Goondocks were saved, the Fratellis enter (bone-dry), and attempt to make the Goonies walk the plank.  Will anyone save the day?  Sloth to the rescue!  I know I haven’t hardly mentioned Sloth, it’s just that I found him a little annoying, even as a kid.  For those of you that don’t know, the actor playing sloth is actually a famous D-Lineman for the Raiders, and died a few years after this movie from complications of prolonged steriod use.  No word whether his Down Syndrome may have contributed to his early death. 

The kids run onto the beach, to their anxious families and loved ones.  Conveniently, Troy’s dad et al. are also on the beach for the signing of the foreclosure papers.  Nothing odd about that.  Mikey’s marble bag is full of jewels! (It’s too easy, don’t bother).  And the Goondocks are saved.  If you’ll excuse me, I have a date with the actress who played Andy and the pause button.