I’ve mentioned before, The Goonies is one of my favorite movies from childhood.  To this day, it’s impossible for me to see this movie on the channel guide and not watch it.  I wanted to be a Goonie so bad I could taste it.  A part of me still does.  Walking through my local Blockbuster, I noticed that The Goonies had just been released on DVD.   I instantly knew what my next post had to be.  What I didn’t realize, however, was that there was no way I could fit all Goonies post-worthy material into one entry.  I doubt anyone would argue that the “truffle shuffle” could actually stand alone in it’s own post.    Thus begins Goonies tribute, Part I.  (Incidentally, if anyone else plans to take notes on amusing bits of The Goonies, I wouldn’t recommend doing it in your Bar Review book.  Further, if an attractive girl notices your notes in the margins, I would advise against telling her it’s for your “upcoming blog entry on The Goonies.”  Tough to recover from that one.)

Great fade in to a Fratelli in lockdown, who has faked a suicide to escape.  If I ever go to prison, I pray to a God of My Understanding that it be in Astoria County.  After rendering a single, beyond geriatric guard unconscious, our villian is out the front door like he just played a “Get Out of Jail Free”  card.  Lucky, Joey Pants is waiting outside with the fail-safe “shoot a bullet into the ground and create an impenetrable forcefield of fire” technique.  I find it hard to believe none of today’s criminal masterminds haven’t utilized this method to escape from Supermax. 

Chunk watches the police chase from the arcade, and we have our first Pepsi sighting.  Only Subway in “Happy Gilmore”  had more obvious endorsement, and at least Happy had the courtesy to make a running joke of it. 

We’re at the Walsh household now.  “Bran” is working out with shorts on over his sweatpants.  How did this trend not last longer?  I’ve got a good mind to stroll in to Gold’s Gym tomorrow rocking the look just to see how long it would take for the trainers to politely ask me to leave. 

And speaking of 80’s fashion, no way I can let Corey Feldman off the hook for his Member’s Only jacket.  My buddy Weave’s stepdad still sports these bad boys out in public.  This inevitably leads to the “What are you, like the last member?”  joke everytime he wears it.  Obligatory, but good for a laugh everytime. 

It occurs to me Mikey’s older brother is “Brandon Walsh.”  I like to think that when Josh Brolin was washed up, he’d get drunk and throw his empties at 90210 episodes.  Loudly slurring “I’m the original Brandon Walsh, motherfucker” is optional for this fantasy, but I think it adds a little flavor. 

Mouth walks into the Walsh household drinking a refreshing Pepsi Cola.

Chunk arrives at Casa de Walsh, and the Truffle Shuffle ensues.  This term is so embedded in the lexicon of our generation, it needs to be in Webster’s.  If I were to refer to the Truffle Shuffle, and someone didn’t know what I was talking about, I would maintain eye contact, but slowly back out of the room without making any sudden moves.  Because that’s fucking suspicious.

In the Walsh attic, they find the map to One Eyed Willie.  If one were to Google “one eyed willie,”  piracy and treasure results do not abound. 

Back in the kitchen, Bran reaches into the fridge and pulls out an ice-cold Pepsi. 

Mikey uses body language to communicate to his fellow Goonies the age-old “use older brother’s stretch coil workout device to incapacitate him for a good 30 minutes” tactic.  Obviously, this plan goes off without a hitch, leading a generation of younger brothers to try this in real-life with merciliess beatdowns resulting.  Richard Donner, you bastard. 

Bran expresses his anger by yelling “I’m going to hit you so hard, when you wake up, your clothes will be out of style!”  Wow.  Must be take a worm for a walk week, eh Bran?

This brings us to the Goonies seeking out the entry point to the lair of One Eyed Willie.  A google search for “entry point to the lair of one eyed Willie” equally unfruitful as to treasure and pirate hijinx. 

Seeing a hundred mile expanse of coastline, Mikey succesfully triangulates the co-ordinates of Willy’s location using a tattered 300 year old map (written in spanish), and a rusy doubloon (circa 1620).  Chester Copperpot has nothing on this feisty little rapscallion. 

Reaching the entrance to a not at all foreboding shanty, Chunk is thirsty.  Fortunately, there is a cooler of Pepsi conviently on the front porch! Who cares how it got there, it’s the choice of a new generation!

Check back for the next part of The Goonies tribute, where I plan on discussing Feldman at his absolute peak, Troy almost creating a new “unintentionally humorous performance” category at the Oscar’s, and the grand mystery of how Bran’s girlfriend Andy never wound up in Penthouse. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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